©Brenda Coffee. All rights reserved.
This week I called my friend, Susan Pollack, only to learn she died a few days earlier. Her husband was audibly grief-stricken. Stunned, and not wanting to invade this private time, I simply told him I loved her. He said, “I loved her, too. She was everything.”
I am devastated, like everyone is who loved and knew Susan Pollack far better than I did. Susan made it easy for you to forget she was living with metastatic breast cancer, that she’d taken chemo for 14 years, repeatedly responding to new chemos when the old ones stopped working. “As long as my doctor’s not worried, I’m not worried,” she would say. The last time we spoke, she was doing well. What I didn’t tell her husband was that I feel guilty, not knowing she was so close to the end; that I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye, or that for the last two weeks my “little voice” has been telling me to call her, but I didn’t. Not until now. Not until it was too late. <PREVIEWEND>
Susan and I met two years ago when she volunteered for a BreastCancerSisterhood.com makeover at Lancôme’s Upper West Side boutique in New York City. From the moment we began talking, I knew she was an extraordinary woman, and from that day on, Susan Pollack and I were friends. After her makeover, Susan and I began to email, and then call one another every few months. Susan was first diagnosed with breast cancer 25 years ago, and her only goal was to see her daughter, Jane, grownup, and she did that and more.
For 12 years, Susan was cancer free, but when given the news breast cancer had returned, she persevered with grace and lived life with kindness and a smile and never once asked, “Why me?” She played bridge and sometimes volunteered at SHARE, a survivors’ resource in New York City that counsels and supports breast and ovarian cancer survivors. She gave hope and inspiration to all who knew her. Words like that are usually said at funerals, tossed about freely like excess crumbs to a flock of hungry birds, but every syllable was true about Susan Pollack. She personified the qualities that make us pleasing in God’s eyes.
Today, one of Susan’s cousins sent me an email. She wrote:
“…The feelings you’re having happen so often when someone we love dies. I feel them about Susan. I, too, feel heartsick. I spoke to her about a week before she died. She was very weak, but her voice had the old Sue timber—rich and vibrant. She was plucky as always. She never complained, never even thought of complaining. She spent the last two months mentally going over in her mind how thankful she was to all the people who had given to her in her life. When told she would die, very soon, she was worried, but not for herself; she was worried for all the things she hadn’t gotten done, including knowing how the Yankees would do! As my mother said, she had greatness in the way she died. Since she lived her life the same way. She was incredibly generous and giving, loving and warm. She was a lovely, lovely human being.”
The day we filmed her makeover at Lancôme was special for all of us. When Susan saw herself in the mirror and, for the first time in 14 years, gave a nod of recognition to the woman she remembered who had hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and a cancer free sparkle in her eyes, everyone, including the cameramen, welled up with tears. Susan beamed from the inside out. Sandy Linter, the iconic and beautiful makeup artist, used to working with A-list top models, photographers and Hollywood stars, asked Susan to get up, turn around and “walk down the runway.” “You’re beautiful,” Sandy told her, and Susan was. Looking back, we should have had a limousine pick her up and whisk her through traffic, stopping along the way to show her new look to the women at SHARE, and then join them all for lunch at some chi-chi New York eatery.
Sue Pollack was a brave, gracious and precious friend. The ultimate role model for how to be a SURVIVOR. That first day we met, I asked her how she dealt with Stage IV breast cancer for so many years, dealing with lymphedema everyday, infections and hospitalizations. She responded, matter of factly, like it was no big deal. “I chose to live a life.” But it was a big deal. Could I do that? Could you? Are you?
Why didn’t I listen to my little voice? How long would a phone call have taken? It’s not like I wouldn’t have known what to say to her. Susan and I always ended each conversation with “I love you,” but somehow, that doesn’t seem enough now, but I do, you know… I love you, Susan.
To read more about Susan Pollack and “We Are Cancer Survivors, Not Cancer Victims.” To see some of Susan Pollack & Sandy Linter’s makeover videos go to “SURVIVORS” and “SELF-IMAGE” on BreastCancerSisterhood.com' HOME PAGE or visit BreastCancerSisterhood’s YouTube page.
blog comments powered by Disqus
Previous Comments
Anonymous commented on 09-Aug-2010 09:27 PM As I read about your friend Susan my heart was pulled in so many directions. My best to her family and to you and for writing such a heartfelt tribute to your friend.
Luann commented on 10-Aug-2010 04:45 AM Brenda thank you for the wonderful tribute to your friend Susan! I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she has left this world a much better place and isn't that the type of legacy that we all want to leave? As I am thinking about what you have written I think it sounds like she lived her life according to the scripture "This is the day that the Lord has made let us be glad and rejoice in it." She did just that. Thank you for the reminder that life and how we live it is a choice. Hugs Brends for a well written and honest piece that does Susan well! Luann
Jim McD commented on 10-Aug-2010 07:36 PM Brenda this was a beautiful e-mail. Thanks for sharing.
Pam commented on 10-Aug-2010 07:40 PM What an amazing story on your friend Susan - such a courageous lady! She will be missed by so many! I'm afraid I've asked "Why me" more times than I want to admit!
I have to tell you that my daughter took me to the Michael Buble concert here in San Antonio a couple weeks ago - what a beautiful time - just the two of us! We could have sat there for days listening to him. But that last song was mesmerizing!
I so enjoy your website!
Fondly,
Pam Keen (a friend from Boerne)
I have to tell you that my daughter took me to the Michael Buble concert here in San Antonio a couple weeks ago - what a beautiful time - just the two of us! We could have sat there for days listening to him. But that last song was mesmerizing!
I so enjoy your website!
Fondly,
Pam Keen (a friend from Boerne)
Ilene commented on 10-Aug-2010 07:45 PM this is just so lovely, we're linking to it on our website. How long will the link be valid?
Thanks,
Ilene
Thanks,
Ilene
Leslie J. Yerman commented on 10-Aug-2010 08:31 PM I wanted to thank you so much for getting back to me. Susan was my high school American history teacher. I had been trying to get back in touch with her but did not have her married name. I last saw her when her daughter was about two or three. Then I saw the death notice in the Times. Through a google search I found your blog and the videos.
I, too, am deeply saddened by her loss but greatly moved and inspired by her determination and courage.
I, too, am deeply saddened by her loss but greatly moved and inspired by her determination and courage.
EdandBarbara Ford commented on 10-Aug-2010 09:02 PM simply beautiful! I must say one of the blessings of being a breast cancer survivor is the opportunites to meet some incredible people. You Brenda are an incredible woman. Thank you for blessing me with this story of an incredible woman!
"Barbara"
"Barbara"
Brenda Coffee commented on 10-Aug-2010 09:46 PM Leslie,
I'm sorry you couldn't have known Susan from more of an adult to adult perspective. She was gracious, mischievous and classy. Not a phony bone in her body. Can't remember if I told you, but there's another Blog about Susan I did in February and there are videos of her in the SURVIVORS and SELF IMAGE section of our website. Thank you so much for touching base with me.
Best, Brenda Coffee
I'm sorry you couldn't have known Susan from more of an adult to adult perspective. She was gracious, mischievous and classy. Not a phony bone in her body. Can't remember if I told you, but there's another Blog about Susan I did in February and there are videos of her in the SURVIVORS and SELF IMAGE section of our website. Thank you so much for touching base with me.
Best, Brenda Coffee
Breast Cancer Initiative East Africa commented on 10-Aug-2010 09:49 PM Dear Brenda,
Thank you for sharing Susan Pollack's life!
What a beautiful life, what a legacy she leaves behind? How many of us are working towards leaving a single foot print on this earth by how we live with trials and tribulations instead of how much we accumulate? It always amazes me that when some loved one dies we never remember the tangible things about them, we cling to how they made you feel, think, change, want to be/do as the sweet memories which amazingly also never go away??? I celebrate Susan and hope her life says something to us: How to face breast cancer, so that you exist gloriously as Susan did!
Blessings to her family and to you and all her friends. Guess what, we all have to die someday, but it is hard to accept something so unnaturally frightening.
Philippa Decuir
16 yrs. b/c survivor
Thank you for sharing Susan Pollack's life!
What a beautiful life, what a legacy she leaves behind? How many of us are working towards leaving a single foot print on this earth by how we live with trials and tribulations instead of how much we accumulate? It always amazes me that when some loved one dies we never remember the tangible things about them, we cling to how they made you feel, think, change, want to be/do as the sweet memories which amazingly also never go away??? I celebrate Susan and hope her life says something to us: How to face breast cancer, so that you exist gloriously as Susan did!
Blessings to her family and to you and all her friends. Guess what, we all have to die someday, but it is hard to accept something so unnaturally frightening.
Philippa Decuir
16 yrs. b/c survivor
Anonymous commented on 10-Aug-2010 10:08 PM Hey there BK! Sorry for the loss of your friend Susan. Hope to hear from you when your next in town, so that we can meet up and catch up.
Love you Robbie
Love you Robbie
Leslie J. Yerman commented on 10-Aug-2010 10:51 PM Brenda: I regret not knowing her better as a peer. As I mentioned, the last tiime I saw her, I was in my early 30s. Don't know if I mentioned that in July I had this strong desire to try and find and re-connect with her but didn't know her married name. After she died, I found your February blog and the videos which allowed me to learn about her valiant fight and the grace with which she lived her life. But they also made me feel her loss and very sad.
I know she didn't have a phony bone in her body. It was one of the things that drew me to her. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me.
Best regards,
leslie
I know she didn't have a phony bone in her body. It was one of the things that drew me to her. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me.
Best regards,
leslie
Diana commented on 14-Aug-2010 06:03 PM What a loving and beautiful tribute to your friend! Such a wonderful life she lived, in spite of the trials she faced. So sorry for your loss, for her family's loss. God's blessings and comfort on all of you. ♥
Heather commented on 19-Sep-2010 05:42 PM Brenda,
Am so sorry . . . .I remember when you were going to do that makeover, and hearing what a wonderful experience it had been.
I can't tell you how many of these moments I've had over the years . . . and the guilt and wonder at why they had that fate and I have had mine . . .
I am so very sorry - what a beautiful woman . . .
H
Am so sorry . . . .I remember when you were going to do that makeover, and hearing what a wonderful experience it had been.
I can't tell you how many of these moments I've had over the years . . . and the guilt and wonder at why they had that fate and I have had mine . . .
I am so very sorry - what a beautiful woman . . .
H
Robyn Pesce commented on 19-Sep-2010 05:44 PM Hey there BK! Sorry for the loss of your friend Susan. Hope to hear from you when your next in town, so that we can meet up and catch up.
Love you,
Robbie
Love you,
Robbie
Deborah commented on 19-Sep-2010 05:53 PM Dear Brenda,
I just re-read your blog, and found it much more painful than the first time I read it. It hurt and was beautiful and captured so much about Susan. When I first read what I'd written, I didn't even recognize that I'd written it; I just thought, yes, I thought that too! Thank you so much for including what I wrote in your blog.
You know I think that when anyone dies, we feel terrible for not having done certain things. I too feel this with Susan. I felt it when my brother died. I even felt when a little bunny rabbit I had died.
There was something amazing about Susan. I feel her so often during the day. I feel suddenly her voice and the warmth and grit. An entire presence has gone from new York, and it's hard to come to grips with that.
Thank you for sharing your blog with me. Please let me know of any other communications you make about Susan.
Much warmth,
Deborah
I just re-read your blog, and found it much more painful than the first time I read it. It hurt and was beautiful and captured so much about Susan. When I first read what I'd written, I didn't even recognize that I'd written it; I just thought, yes, I thought that too! Thank you so much for including what I wrote in your blog.
You know I think that when anyone dies, we feel terrible for not having done certain things. I too feel this with Susan. I felt it when my brother died. I even felt when a little bunny rabbit I had died.
There was something amazing about Susan. I feel her so often during the day. I feel suddenly her voice and the warmth and grit. An entire presence has gone from new York, and it's hard to come to grips with that.
Thank you for sharing your blog with me. Please let me know of any other communications you make about Susan.
Much warmth,
Deborah
Jane P commented on 19-Sep-2010 09:41 PM Dear Brenda,
Thank you very much for your lovely tribute to my mother on the legacy website. She was very special and she so enjoyed getting to know you. I am sorry I have not written earlier - I know she would have wanted you informed of her passing.
Best, Jane
Thank you very much for your lovely tribute to my mother on the legacy website. She was very special and she so enjoyed getting to know you. I am sorry I have not written earlier - I know she would have wanted you informed of her passing.
Best, Jane
Dissertation help commented on 23-Dec-2010 05:38 AM I admire your article. It contains valuable information. I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I enjoyed every little bit of it. I have bookmarked you to check out your new stuff.
Go to Brenda's Blog homepage | Go to top of page
