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My mother used to say “normal is what you think you are, and no one else is.” For each one of us, “normal” changes as we age. Our 16-year-old self is different from our 26 or 46- year-old self. From a visual perspective it’s easy to look at old photos of what we were wearing, or how we did our hair, and approximate our age. However, aging is more than a physical process. We mature mentally and emotionally as well, and with each new chapter of our lives, we redefine what our normal is.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to twirl a baton and be the daughter of Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, the King of the Cowboys and the Queen of the West. Every Saturday I was happy to share in their television adventures, marveling at the intelligence of Roy’s horse, Trigger, and the gentleness of Dale’s horse, Buttermilk. By the time I was in my teens, I felt out of place, the only one of my peers who had a mother to take care of at home. I made good grades and fixed dinner, but I was like a mannequin in a store window: head cocked to one side, arms up expectantly, waiting for what, I didn’t know. Normalcy, perhaps. <PREVIEWEND>
As the years went by, different window dressers changed my hair and put me in different outfits, but for the most part, I laid naked and in pieces in the storeroom, unable to become a whole person. From time to time, I got dressed and beamed, "fine thank you, and how are you," but my feelings didn’t go any deeper. I was a well-dressed mannequin in a storefront window, wearing pastels in the spring, a summer sundress and then a coordinated sweater set to ward off winter’s chill. All the while, my gaze was fixed, and I had the smile of a one-dimensional doll.
Mannequins do not shed tears or feel exhilarating joy. They have cut off their highs and lows, living somewhere in the middle in their safe storefront window. As I matured, I experienced the death of that hollow woman and reveled in the occasional tears as they streamed down my face and felt the emotional catch in the back of my throat that had never been there before. I stopped caring what others would think if I told them who I was, if I said no, and became a wholly formed three-dimensional woman.
Time and life experiences shape the person we become, and breast cancer is one of those experiences. The person who emerges on the other side is admittedly a different person than the one who began this breast cancer journey. When we look back on these different versions of ourselves, we see that “normal” is a relative thing. It is who we are and how we handle now that matters most. To assume we will go back to “normal” when we’re finished with breast cancer treatment is unrealistic.
Yes, there may be things about this time in our lives we’re not crazy about: I wish my body was full of estrogen, my libido was what it used to be, and my facial muscles didn’t look like they’d melted in the noon day’s sun, but like it or not, this is my new normal. I can’t mourn for my former self any more than I mourn for my six-year-old self. I have grown and changed as a result of breast cancer. More importantly, I’m still here to live my life. So when my husband says, “Don’t you remember? We talked about that the other day,” I just smile and say, “Chemo brain, Honey Bunny. It’s part of my new normal.”
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Mary commented on 14-Jun-2010 06:31 PM THANK YOU BRENDA YOU HAVE A SPECIAL GIFT
Marie commented on 15-Jun-2010 07:21 AM What an interesting take on finding the new normal post treatment Brenda. I really enjoyed reading your post today. I know it will resonate with so many of us,as we struggle to find our place in the world again after cancer.
Lisa commented on 15-Jun-2010 09:56 AM I just finished chemo a few weeks ago and start radiation tomorrow. I keep telling my husband that I just want normal back, but it's been so long now that I don't know what normal was. Thank you for your insight. I am always inspired by your blog!
Joan K commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:09 PM GREAT BLOG!!!!!!!!!
Edie commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:12 PM Fonceale forwarded some to me. Don't know why my computer dropped me from your file. I'm back now and I notice the "Top 10 Blog" award. How can I help you be NUMBER ONE?
Yes, after Chemo the brain plays skip and hop...so with my 20 treatments I'm just happy I can still skip and hop!! This Monday a.m. I have scheduled a bus trip with Lubbock Christian Univ. Tours to Mt. Rushmore. We will travel for the whole week, here and yonder. Pray that we have a safe trip....Hope to see you when I return for a visit....maybe in July/Aug.
My Love, edie
(Keep up the good work...You have met your calling. What an outstanding talent!!!) FYI, I can't wear the underwire bra due to my saline implant...Had you thought of that?
Yes, after Chemo the brain plays skip and hop...so with my 20 treatments I'm just happy I can still skip and hop!! This Monday a.m. I have scheduled a bus trip with Lubbock Christian Univ. Tours to Mt. Rushmore. We will travel for the whole week, here and yonder. Pray that we have a safe trip....Hope to see you when I return for a visit....maybe in July/Aug.
My Love, edie
(Keep up the good work...You have met your calling. What an outstanding talent!!!) FYI, I can't wear the underwire bra due to my saline implant...Had you thought of that?
Nancy Lehde commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:13 PM I am an RN working for a breast surgeon in Austin, Tx. This website is quite impressive, and I will be giving it to my newly diagnosed breast cancer patients.
Cheryl Cole commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:14 PM read the article in the Austin American Statesman about your blog this morning. YEAH!!! Can you please explain further about the no flossing during chemo? My sister is a survivor. YEAH! Thanks in advance.
Alicia Shamblin commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:15 PM Just read about your website in the Statesman and thank you for being there for us. I am a ten year survivor but just found out that there is another "new something" in my left breast. Will see surgeon next week and find out where do I go from here.
Gaye commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:22 PM Thank you for all you are doing for cancer patients and their families!
Gaye
Gaye
Robyn Pesce commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:27 PM Hi Brenda,
I hope your doing well. My name is Robyn Pesce and I live here in Austin. I read your article today in the Statesman and was very touched by the story and found your humor and inspiration truly wonderful on such an important cause.
My husband belongs to the group Young Presidents Organization also known as YPO. I do not know if your familiar with YPO, it is a global organization with Entreprenuer's, President's and CEO's of various companies. We usually have 10 plus meetings a year focusing on a wide range of truly worthwhile topics including, Entreprenuer topics, Global, Health and many others.
I am co-chairing an event on October 7th. We have one spouse lunchoen a year and this year our topic is Breast Cancer Awarness.You can only imagine how excited I was to read your story today and knew you would be a perfect speaker for our event. I think it would be a wonderful match and hope your available to share your amazing story with our group. I will include my contact number for you. Thank you
I hope your doing well. My name is Robyn Pesce and I live here in Austin. I read your article today in the Statesman and was very touched by the story and found your humor and inspiration truly wonderful on such an important cause.
My husband belongs to the group Young Presidents Organization also known as YPO. I do not know if your familiar with YPO, it is a global organization with Entreprenuer's, President's and CEO's of various companies. We usually have 10 plus meetings a year focusing on a wide range of truly worthwhile topics including, Entreprenuer topics, Global, Health and many others.
I am co-chairing an event on October 7th. We have one spouse lunchoen a year and this year our topic is Breast Cancer Awarness.You can only imagine how excited I was to read your story today and knew you would be a perfect speaker for our event. I think it would be a wonderful match and hope your available to share your amazing story with our group. I will include my contact number for you. Thank you
Sally commented on 19-Sep-2010 04:30 PM Thank you I smiled and cried We went to Louisiana last week to help my 92 year old sister celebrate her birthday She took care of me along with my Dad when our Mom died when I was 2 along with 6 brothers so she is very special. I lived with her until Lawrence and I married in 1947 We will be married 63 years in November. Time sometimes flies past and then again it drags.
You have been in my prayers I have 3 nieces who have had cancer of the breast and I had a brother who died of cancer. I have had nodules removed but none malignant. Keep up the mails I love them and say a prayer with each one and we each have to find new normals as we age and my sister is one who did it with such grace There were 10 in our family and there are 4 still here me being the youngest and my Sister the oldest
Thank you
Sally May
You have been in my prayers I have 3 nieces who have had cancer of the breast and I had a brother who died of cancer. I have had nodules removed but none malignant. Keep up the mails I love them and say a prayer with each one and we each have to find new normals as we age and my sister is one who did it with such grace There were 10 in our family and there are 4 still here me being the youngest and my Sister the oldest
Thank you
Sally May
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